Wit and Wisdom

The first time Bob met my grandmother, she was just leaving a Christmas party at my uncle's house in Kentucky. She looked up at him and without missing a beat, said, "Well, I guess you're gonna miss our wit and wisdom." And she continued out the door. He never forgot that moment and neither have I. It was a perfect example of the strange way my mother's family sometimes talks...and acts.

I was reminded of my crazy family's sense of humor and love of words today when I received one of those silly email lists from my aunt, courtesy of her brother. Presumably it originated with the Washington Post, but who knows? In any event, it's typical of our family's sense of humor. Just for fun, here it is:

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

1 Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until yourealize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating. And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.